The 'F' Word

I have been thinking about family and forgiveness lately. Drug abuse has been a reoccuring issue in both mine and my boyfriend's family. The most recent of which was our brother-in-law. It was common knowledge he had abused drugs in the past, but claimed his last jail sentence had gotten him clean. We all believed him, as did our sister, the one whom he was dating. To make a long story short, we found out he was still using drugs heavily and it created a deep rift between the entire family. Our sister had gone back to him as quickly as we had found his tourniquet. It was devastating and we all felt her to be a hypocrite and very, very dim.

As of today, they claim his sobriety and it is hard to deny. Our suspiscions linger, yet things in their household have changed. He is seeing his first three children more, in fact, before his sobriety, he very, very scarecely saw them. Our sister has had a lot to do with his turning around and their child together is beautiful. His decision to stay with our sister and not leave and still come to family gatherings is compendable, considering we all told him he was scum and we absolutely, without a doubt hated his guts.

We have a found a way, as a whole family unit, to dismiss whatever hesitations and objections we still reserved and show our children what it really means to be a family. I look at my son and want him to love his cousins and aunts and uncles and have memories that he will cherish. But I am a total hypocrite. When was the last time I spoke to my own brother? His addiction has ruined our family in more ways than emotionally. I have found that not speaking to him is my best option, every time we speak, we fight. Why is it that I cannot find it in my heart to forigve my very own brother? Just thinking about the whole situation stresses me out and upsets me. Part of me doesn't even want my brother to meet Connor. I just know my brother will be spun out and I do not want my son to ask why his uncle looks the way that he does. But I know letting this anger go will allow me to become a better mother to my son, by not harbor so much anger and frustration.

I hope my brother learns and cleans up his act. I feel as thought this is the only I will be able to accept him back into my life and allow him into my sons. I am unsure how he has managed to survive to the age of 34, and much less about how he maintains himself without my father around. There is a certain level of forgiveness for my brother. I forgive him for selling everything in father's home for drugs. I forgive him for hating my mother, because he doesn't know how to release his anger over what he feel is infidelity. He is a child inside, the drug abuse has stunted his emotional growth therefore, he is difficult to deal with and be around. So, when my brother is clean and comes to me in a positive way, I will be full of forgiveness. I will make it my obligation to simply let it go if and when that day ever comes. Until then, I cannot afford to allow him into my life. This may sound harsh, but after 20 odd years of drug abuse, manipulations, bribery, thefts and empty promises, tough love is all I can afford to give and for that, I apologize.